Tuesday, December 30, 2008

For most, 2008 won't be missed

By Daniel B. Kline

Never one to push an old man down the stairs, I'll make an exception if the old guy in the robe and the sash portraying 2008 happens to show up anywhere near me. I'm thinking that in this case "auld acquaintances should be forgot" and we should all start forgetting even if it takes a few "cups of kindness" to get the unpleasantness out of our heads.

2008 was a year that began with an economic downturn that steadily got worse and ended with a con man stealing billions of dollars and bankrupting people, businesses and countless charities. The past year brought rising unemployment, a never-ending, pointless war, a Jessica Simpson country album, a movie "opera" starring Paris Hilton and more of whatever it is Kanye West does for a living.

The year featured the continued bumbling of one of the worst presidents our nation has ever had and no change in the endless war that has done little but waste the lives of American soldiers. We also had a presidential election that featured a clueless old guy running against a well-intentioned, eminently likable, but incredibly inexperienced young guy.

Throw in high gas prices, Paul Newman dying, another season of "The Hills," countless banks collapsing and the impending death of the American auto industry and, well, we've had a pretty miserable year. 2008 may not be Great Depression or World War bad, but the highlights have been few and far between.

Even the positive events this year seemed pretty poor. I tried to get excited about Michael Phelps, but a weird looking dork with giants hands who swims well, did not exactly remind me of the 1980 Olympic hockey team. I really wanted to like the Summers Olympics but it's hard to care about Americans winning medals in sports that are really just things you do to get in shape for real sports.

In other seemingly positive news 2008 also continued America's weird obsession with celebrity babies leading to magazines paying millions for photos of these soon-to-be in rehab offspring. Each of these kids got progressively weirder names because growing up the child of camera-loving parents without the sense to keep their kids out of the news won't be hard enough.

In 2008 businesses collapsed, people got laid off and yet another edition of Radar Magazine failed. The newspaper business has been run into the ground and most publishers have responded by making their papers worse and charging more for them.

This particular collapse has been fairly good for me as papers stop paying for the tedious, more famous syndicated columnists, I pick up new slots every week. I don't delude myself into thinking that has happened because I'm great, but the combination of pretty good and free seems to work well.

Like an unwanted house guest, 2008 will creep out of our lives leaving us a little tired, a little poorer and pretty eager for something new. There's not much good to say about 2008 other than it will be over soon.

Daniel B. Kline's work appears in over 100 papers weekly. When he is not writing Kline serves as general manager of Time Machine Hobby New England's largest hobby and toy store, www.timemachinehobby.com. He can be reached at dan@notastep.com or you can see his archive at dbkline.com.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

It's not that easy being green

By Daniel B. Kline

No amount of recycling, reducing our carbon footprints and conserving will ever appease the environmentalists. Nothing short of returning to a fully agrarian society will please these Al Gore worshiping blowhards because they support a cause where the solutions do not actually solve anything.

If we all recycle, use canvas bags at the supermarket, switch to those weird twisty light bulbs, pay all our bills paperlessly online and do whatever else the environmentalists ask of us nothing changes. Even if we all buy a Toyota Prius for long trips, bicycle to work and spend our vacations sorting recyclables there will still be more to do because environmentalists lose their political power if any of these things actually work.

I base this theory on the fact that everyone now conserves a lot more than they ever did, yet nothing seems to make a difference. You never get a speech from Gore where he says, "wow, ten million people stopped using plastic bags, now there's more oxygen and the o-zone layer got a little thicker."

You never hear that because it's not happening and while it's nice that we have a few less landfills than we would have, all our individual efforts apparently make very little difference. To get me to put my plastic bottles anyplace other than the trash, the Green folks need to show me even a small tangible result from that action.

I'm not looking for Los Angeles to turn sunny and smog-free anytime soon, I just want to see some evidence that any of this matters. If taking a bunch of small steps does not add up to a large step, can I go back to running the water while I brush my teeth and leaving lights on in rooms I'm not in, but may go back to soon?

I'm not anti-recycling, or against conserving our resources, but as a fairly practical person, I'm against token gestures or raising a big ruckus over something that does not work. Let the Green movement show us the real science behind everything they ask us to do before we take one more carpool ride or shoot another dirty look at a store that dares to offer us a plastic bag.

Realistically, most of the recycling efforts currently championed amount to little more than curing your hiccups but leaving your cancer untreated. The little guy likes to think that his actions count, but me not making an unnecessary trip to the bookstore hardly matters when the auto industry still refuses to make a car that runs on a renewable energy source.

My napkin at Starbucks comes from recycled paper, while the dispenser at McDonald's doles napkins out individually. This might somewhat lessen my personal napkin-using footprint, but it seems a little silly when you see the parade of trash created by these establishments.

Environmentalism has become a lifestyle cult where the seeming importance of the cause trumps logic and reality. I'll gladly help the environment if anything I could do would actually help.

Unfortunately, if we have an environmental crisis like Gore and his disciples want us to believe then, me not drinking bottled water simply won't make a difference. if we're all going down anyway, I'd rather go sipping scotch from a Styrofoam cup while being chauffeured in a Hummer throwing napkins out the window and tossing batteries at anyone who looks askance at me.

Daniel B. Kline's work appears in over 100 papers weekly. When he is not writing Kline serves as general manager of Time Machine Hobby New England's largest hobby and toy store, www.timemachinehobby.com. He can be reached at dan@notastep.com or you can see his archive at dbkline.com.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Network decides the bland should lead the bland

By Daniel B. Kline

NBC's plan to take Jay Leno, America's blandest, safest, least entertaining talk show host and give him a show every weeknight at 10 p.m., pretty much tells you everything you need to know about network television. Once a place where innovative shows were possible, if not likely, network prime time has become a place for safe bets, limited risk and lowest-common-denominator entertainment.

Once the home of some of the most daring and innovative scripted dramas ever produced, NBC's 10 o'clock hour now gets turned over to a host so boring he makes me wonder what Chevy Chase and Magic Johnson are doing. In the time period that used to house "Law & Order," "ER," "LA Law," "Hill Street Blues," and so many more ground-breaking shows, we'll now get wacky headlines, "Jaywalking," and the other mild, greeting card level humor that Leno has become famous for.

In late night, Leno offered repetitive, safe jokes that middle America laughed at. Formerly a pretty talented comedian, Leno's current act makes Rich Little look edgy. This worked out fabulously for Jay as celebrities like to appear on his show because they know he won't ask any probing questions.

If Leno had O.J. Simpson on, he'd pass off his arrest and the widely held belief that he murdered two people by saying, "so you've had some rough times," before moving on to safer ground. "The Tonight Show" gets big guests, partly because celebrities know that Leno won't ask tough questions while David Letterman would.

By turning over the last hour of prime time to Leno every night, NBC saves a boatload of money and basically cedes ratings supremacy to ABC and CBS. Traditional 10 p.m. dramas cost millions to make, while an episode of Leno's show will cost around $400,000, with most of that going to the host.

Lower costs mean less pressure to bring in big ratings and significantly less risk for the network. NBC's move with Leno, makes financial sense, but it represents the continuation of a disturbing trend where cheap, reality programming takes the place of edgier scripted efforts.

In the future, when the networks wonder where their audience went, inevitably blaming the Internet, they should remember the decision to go with safe over edgy, bland over daring. The occasional "Deal or No Deal" works as counter-programming, but turning your schedule over to such drivel eventually makes you just another channel on a very long dial.

The television networks began as the only choice, then they became the only place with quality programming. Now, NBC has decided to give up its franchise of quality and become no different than any cable channel.

Hopefully, the loss of even the possibility of high caliber shows being on NBC at 10 p.m. opens that hour up to cable networks. Maybe the next "ER" will air on USA or TNT or maybe we're on an inevitable march away from quality towards, cheap programs that offer preprogrammed laughs, never challenging or surprising.

Maybe Leno moving to 10 p.m. opens the door for excellent, scripted programming elsewhere or maybe it is yet another step towards a TV world where "Law & Order" would fail, but "Celebrity Mole" gets picked up for another season.

Jay Leno is to TV what "Garfield" or "The Family Circus" are to newspapers. They were never really funny, but you always know where the punchline will be and you never have to worry about not getting the joke.

Daniel B. Kline's work appears in over 100 papers weekly. When he is not writing Kline serves as general manager of Time Machine Hobby New England's largest hobby and toy store, www.timemachinehobby.com. He can be reached at dan@notastep.com or you can see his archive at dbkline.com.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Silly superlatives are "worst idea ever"

By Daniel B. Kline

As America's "Greatest Left-Handed, Syndicated Columnist based in Connecticut," I have to say I'm getting fed up with meaningless superlatives. These seemingly descriptive adjectives make things sound good, but actually convey no useful information and often border on the absurd.

The practice of claiming unverifiable greatness may trace itself back to local, semi-famous restaurants. Since no legal authority presides over pizza or roast beef, it takes little more than some arrogance and a sign to claim that you are the "World's Greatest" in either of those categories.

While I would support some sort of national eatery ranking system, that seems unlikely, so I would at least ask that these silly boasts come with some form of support. If you say you have "America's Favorite Milkshake," you should at least need to quote a restaurant critic, some sort of survey or a renowned fat guy (I'd pick John Madden) as the basis for the claim.

At least the "World's Best" boast usually gets made in places so laughable that it's obviously just a marketing ploy. I highly doubt that a joint in a strip mall in New Jersey has the "World's Best Buffalo Wings," but the claim at least suggests that the eatery might have the best wings in the neighborhood.

In addition to these unprovable and exaggerated claims, many entities have begun using superlatives that might be true, but don't really tell you anything. The entertainment world uses this one a lot claiming things like "America's Number One Family Comedy" and "Tuesday Night's Newest Hit."

These boasts usually get assigned to things that have failed as a way to distract from their failure. When you see a movie identified as "America's #1 Comedy," that generally means it was not the top movie at the box office and that whatever was made a lot more money.

It's easy to be the best at something or the top-rated whatever if you define the category yourself. I, for example, am clearly America's number one rated syndicated columnist/toy store general manager. Of course, I'm probably alone in that category, but, I guess, if I'm the only guy entered in the race, I still get a gold medal when I finish.

Invariably television shows get called "America's Newest Hit" or "Tuesday Night's Biggest Comedy," right before they get canceled. "Kath & Kim" may very well be the highest rated new comedy on Thursday nights, but that does not mean it's successful or popular (it's neither).

Being "#1," "The World's Greatest," or any night's newest hit, should be more meaningful than a mug that says "#1 Grandma." If a claim is not verifiable or based on an important statistic, it should not be legal to use it in an advertisement.

Advertising executives like to use the silly faux achievements to make it seem like they have a popular product and you're a bit of a loser for not being on board. Realistically though, the truly great things (rappers and boxers aside) don't generally need to tell you how great they are.

Bruce Springsteen never puts "America's #1 rock and roll songwriter," on his albums anymore than Alex Rodriguez puts "The Nation's Top Slugger Dating an Aging Pop Star" on the back of his baseball card. Everyone's great if you define the categories narrowly enough, but I'd prefer we save the superlatives for the truly spectacular.

Daniel B. Kline's work appears in over 100 papers weekly. When he is not writing Kline serves as general manager of Time Machine Hobby New England's largest hobby and toy store, www.timemachinehobby.com. He can be reached at dan@notastep.com or you can see his archive at dbkline.com.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Sometimes look on the bright side

By Daniel B. Kline

Like most retailers, I went to bed on Thanksgiving night filled with a weird mix of dread and optimism. Though I expected my store would have a strong "Black Friday," it was hard to not be spooked by the possibility that America's ongoing economic collapse would seriously impact our sales.

Fortunately for me, I run a toy and hobby store, an industry that has proven somewhat recession proof. Though people may cut back on luxury items and travel, they still engage in their hobbies and they still put presents under the tree. We may not sell as many $1000 train sets or $500 microscopes this year, but our weekend went well and our outlook appears cautiously optimistic.

Optimism has not been a popular emotion this year as the news media has made "things are bad and getting worse" an overriding theme. Heading into the start of the Christmas season, the public has been inundated with stories about just how awful things are.

The stock market has collapsed, the housing bubble has burst, unemployment has risen, blood now rains from the sky and any second the killer bees will probably start another invasion. We've watched classic brands collapse, others teeter on the brink of death and a lucky handful that got billions in government aid just to survive for a few months more.

Bad news has been good news for the media or at least reporting on what's going wrong is an easier story to tell. Realistically, though, amidst the dismal reports and the fear-mongering, shouldn't someone be considering all the positive things occurring in our economy?

It sounds silly to point out positive things during an economic downturn, sort of like commenting on the pretty fish as you drown at the bottom of the ocean, but for many people the downturn represents an opportunity. Basically, the glass might be half empty, but the glass was filled with a pricey scotch in the first place.

For example, though the stock market has suffered, gas prices haven fallen to levels well below last year's prices. High finance does not immediately impact most people, but the cost of a gallon of gas has an immediate effect. I spend nearly $200 less a month filling up my car, which translates into more money in my pocket, which largely gets "invested" at lunch time at my local sushi place.

Along with lower gas prices have come, huge sales at many stores and the ability to make the dollar go further if you're careful. Of course, many staples like milk and bread remain high, but lower gas prices will ultimately cause those items to fall or at least stabilize.

Perhaps the strongest economic positive come from the area that caused this downturn in the first place -- falling home prices. This story has always been reported as a huge negative, which it is if you're a seller, but if you're looking to buy, well, that's another story.

Buyers with strong credit not only get to buy at a lower price, they can also secure financing at near historic lows. I paid 8% interest for my first mortgage and my parents paid double that, but now a loan can be had at under 6%.

As far as recessions go, this one has more upside for more people than any similar downturn in American history. The news might be bad, but, in some ways, you just have to think the way most New Yorkers do when they see the headline "Family murdered in Upper West Side Apartment." "Hey, I wonder if the apartment is rent controlled?"

Out of tragedy and misery comes opportunity. It really comes down to you deciding which side you want to be on.

Daniel B. Kline's work appears in over 100 papers weekly. When he is not writing Kline serves as general manager of Time Machine Hobby New England's largest hobby and toy store, www.timemachinehobby.com. He can be reached at dan@notastep.com or you can see his archive at dbkline.com.